New here....Need Help!
I’m 28 and an alcoholic. I’ve always had a tendency to abuse alcohol and drugs, but I’ve been drinking alcoholically for a few years now. I don’t do drugs much because they cost too much and I no longer have the connects that I had for them anymore. Right now my problem is alcohol. If I can go 2 days without a drink, that’s a long time for me. And when I drink, I don’t just have a few. I drink until I’m out of money, in which case I’ll steal for more booze, or I just pass out and wake up in the morning not knowing what happened. And I’m totally useless and destroyed physically the next day. That’s what I do 3-4 times a week and its killing me, physically and mentally. I drink ALL night one night, sleep off a hangover the next. Then the next day, it’s another huge binge. Its ruining all my relationships in life, with my girlfriend, the few friends I have left, and my family.
I can’t control it anymore. I’m totally powerless over it, as they say in AA. If I have even 10 bucks in my pocket, I will use it to get drunk. Period. Doesn’t matter how I’m feeling that day or what I had planned. My drinking comes before everything else in my life, which is why I’ve lost almost everything and have never been able to hold down a job for more than a few months.
I’ve been going to AA meetings a few times a week lately and even have a sponsor. But I’m still drinking regularly and keep it from him most of the time. I feel like if he knew how often I’m drinking, he would just drop me. I really want to stop because I know its ruining my life, but I just can’t. I don’t have the discipline or the will power. And I’m at the point now where my girlfriend and my parents both think I’ve been sober for over a month. But in reality I haven’t gotten more than a few days without a drink at any point in the last month. If my gf finds out I even drank once she’ll leave me and if my parents find out, specifically my dad, he’ll lose his mind because they’ve both had as much as they can take with my alcoholism. If put them through so much because of my addiction.
I’m at my wits end. I know I can’t continue like this but I don’t see a way out. Alcohol is my answer to everything and I can’t see my life without it. But I also can’t see me having any kind of productive or worthwhile life if I keep drinking. Can anyone help?