lizatola

So, many of you know that I am in a new relationship with a man since April now. Things are moving along beautifully. He's respectful, kind, gives me the physical attention I need, and I am extremely attracted to him. I know I am falling in love. Oh, that sounds so cute and so quaint and so 'white picket fence'. Unfortunately, I have to take myself into every relationship I have with humans, and I'm struggling with my codependency. This man has his faults and there are things that aren't necessarily red flags to me, but they are warning signs that my needs aren't being met or won't be met in the future. What I'm trying to decipher is: how much of this is codependency and my need to fill an empty void (which i though I had dealt with in therapy but I know is an ongoing process) and how much of this is an actual need that is going unmet? UGH

I just finished spending the day with him and his 2 girls (7 and 9 years old). The 7 year old accidentally called me mom when she wanted me to watch her cartwheel(she was very excited and we all overlooked her slip of the tongue) and when I read a book to the girls at bedtime, the 9 year old rested her head on my shoulder. I have been seeing the girls every so often now since the 4th of July. I feel very included in their lives to the point where I helped the 7 year old with her homework and when she asked dad to review it, he said, "Well, did Liz check it for you? If so, I don't need to do it."

There's a HUGE part of me that feels this is too much too soon. Yet, there's another part of me that sees the beauty of being included in another person's family, of being accepted by their children and being able to love them and view the parent/child relationship they have with their father with open eyes, so to speak. I am so torn between just wanting that physical relationship ONLY with my guy to actually wanting to develop relationships with his family and children, etc.

I also met his brother and the whole family (sister in law, nieces, their husbands, and kids) last weekend! And, we shared an experience (all of us) on a boat that we will talk about forever. We rescued a family from their boat when it caught on fire and we tended to these people while waiting for emergency crews to get to the lake. I held one of the children for 2 hours on my lap (she was 4 and grandpa threw her off the boat when the flame erupted) and she buried her head in my chest the whole time. The entire incident was in the news that night including the air evacuation to the burn unit, the sinking of the boat, etc. It was a crazy day last Saturday and something that I shared with his family, obviously.

After writing a whole book up there: here's my issues; I am facing serious codependency. I obsess over our relationship and when he will or won't call or if I should do it first. I watch the calendar and can't wait for the next day until we're both 'child free' and can sleep over/have sex/adult time, etc. And I wonder how much of this is normal early relationship obsessiveness or how much of it is codependency in disguise?

UGH! the guy I'm dating doesn't talk much about feelings either so that makes it harder for me to assess things with him. He's had me around his family, brought me into his life with his kids, and seems committed to me as he talks about things that we will do months down the road together. Yet, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, never spoken about how he actually feels about me, and seems to be one of those guys who is just introverted and closed off from expressing himself. He's a good man and has so many qualities I love, but dang if it doesn't eat away at me that he can't just spit it out and tell me how he feels about me or about 'us'.

Anyway, I'm struggling here. Fighting codependency, facing who I am inside: the shame, guilt, fears, and insecurities that have gripped me since childhood. All rearing their ugly heads and I wonder if I will ever be healthy enough for a real adult relationship or if I'm living in la la land thinking that something like that even exists? I have contemplated ending my relationship with my new man despite the fact that we get along so well, have chemistry, and seem to have a real thing going here. Most of it is because I am FREAKIN' CRAZY codependent and I wonder if that's fair to him? At some point, my crazy is going to come out and he's probably going to run away anyway, right, LOL? Ok, maybe not. I'm quite a catch if you can get over the fact that I'm still partially "codependent crazy"(sounds like a good country song in the making, LOL).