Hi- I'm sorry for what you're going through. It does sound pretty typical. As I've told a few people here, with my XAH, I never searched, but got in trouble because "I should have seen the bottles in the bottom of the garage trash can, known how much extra he was drinking, and intervened before it got so bad". So you can't really win.
It will always be your fault!
Good thoughts fro others above--to back off and assess what your life looks like, what you want, and how she fits in. Monstrous requests, I know. Start small. Keep posting if it helps.