Relapse King here. Until I went to those meetings, anyway. I relapsed quite a few times while going to them, too. Took me awhile to get it.
Just remember, you never have to drink again. That's the important thing. That, and finding others in the same boat who are successfully recovering by whatever means.
Keep going to those meetings. Read the Big Book and look for the similarities you share with other alcoholics.
Best to you.