bexxed

"what will you do differently?"

this question is what I ask myself, every time I think I want to do something differently. And it's such a stressful question for me. I am not nor have I ever been a person who gets a controlled plan, and follows it. I like maps, but that's so I can veer off course and not get lost... you know?

My alcoholic parents screamed about accountability, what a messed up person I was.

My boss asks "so what are you going to do? (differently)?" and I have an answer. A collaborative one, but a good one. It's a springboard. I'm good at my job, very successful, actually. Who'd know that? I know answers and know that sometimes the answer is that there isn't an answer, but a starting point.

As far as my life, well, the best thing I can say is SHUT UP to that shaming voice in my head that knows that I want to have the answers and obviously I don't. So I don't know what to do differently. Right now the answer to that is that I'm not going to think too hard about what I "should" do to "do it right". I can create and enforce good boundaries, but from INSIDE ME.

So, I had to go to a meeting outside the office today. When I left, at 4 PM, I called my boss from the car, talked, and did NOT go back to the office, where my coworkers and the next door bar were. I drove home, fed my cat, ate too many chips and hummus, drank water, read like 20 posts here, changed into the clothes I will sleep in, called my GF and announced that I will not leave my house tonight because I'm going to paint.

"WOW, that's great!!!! Can I come over and write while you paint? Will that bug you? Creativity is contagious." (I'm usually too sauced/distracted/obsessed/anxious to paint, but I wouldn't admit that. I'm like that artist who hasn't painted in years but has a giant easel in the living room and my old work all over the place)

"Sure, as long as you don't bug me."

I have a fizzy water machine and need a new cartridge for it. CHANGING THE PLAN to go get one. See what I mean? I'm a very rigid person who rebels against my rigidity.

This is different. These boundaries. They are going INSIDE. So that is what I'm doing differently. It's a sort of spiritual practice.

Spiritual practice doesn't mean just church. That's just what reminds you, or reinforces it. I need self care. So. Hi, again, it's the 4th day after Friday when I was angry and stressed and got very drunk and, oh, I'll leave out the details but it was all so unnecessary, and yeah, back to today... it was a good day.

BTW those fizzy water machines are amazing, and you can buy a cheap one with the money you save on a week of booze. Then you don't have to buy the bottles. And it's got a little ritual. God knows I love a little ritual....

Thanks for being here. I'm lurking, when I can.