To all of these, yes. The hopeless feeling I have comes from so many day ones. When I think back on ten years, there are literally dozens of times that I did (or said) something while drinking that I would NEVER have chosen to do or say while sober. Yikes.
I am so uncertain of my own ability to refuse alcohol this very evening that I don't have the confidence to say "I choose not to." To me that implies certainty. I don't have that.
I know I don't want this. I know I want to be a hot tea at night drinker. Someone who reads a good book or catches up on Netflix, etc. Or gets back into running. And, theoretically, I KNOW I can do this in the short-term, but I haven't been successful in the long-term.
For years, early, later, and now (I'm 35), alcohol has often been fun and freeing. My parents raised me at cocktail parties. My dad drank beer on long car trips. My mom travels with Jack Daniels in her suitcase.
A beloved therapist once told me that she didn't drink because her mom was an alcoholic and she knew the odds. I thought, "How do you do that? That's a choice?" Even though I cared deeply for her and have modeled my profession on her compassionate approach, I thought that sounded utterly boring.
And that still scares me, honestly. But not as much as my own guilt and shame, anymore. It's crippling.