Thanks, all, for the support. The idea that I need to want to be sober more than I want to drink is a hard one for me. I desperately want to be sober right now. And I am. Come 5 o'clock that may change. The difference for me this morning is that I am utterly exhausted from the guilt and shame and mental space this is taking up and I very very very much want it to go away.
All of this was kicked into high gear following a miscarriage in February, when I felt so low I didn't feel it possible to be myself. My brother's wife is pregnant with their first child. When he called to tell me, I had to hang up the phone because it was so painful to talk about. This is NOT like me at all. It was just literally what I had to do (before apologizing profusely).
When I got out of that fog, I realized differently (and not necessarily for the first time) that drinking doesn't HELP me. EVER. One glass of wine in, I feel MUCH better. But I have 5. Almost always. And then I am a mess. I am alternately the life of the party, overly sensitive, neglectful, irresponsible, hilarious, and argumentative. I seriously don't want to be that anymore. I need peace.
I hope this works. I really do. I so hope this works.