Needtobreathe

This is my first day. Again. I can't continue on like this because I don't feel good about where I am. I drink to escape and to numb myself and I have been doing this for years. I was able to stop immediately during each of my two pregnancies but I have not been able to sustain longer term sobriety outside of those.

I am bereft. I think I have a problem and therefore I do. I am surrounded by people who drink like I do and I am constantly told "it's this time in our lives." I don't want it to be for me. I want to raise my children differently. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I carry a lot of pain from my childhood that I have worked through in multiple therapies.

I get emotional and overreact to things when I drink. I act out and I feel loads of guilt afterwards. I see it happening more frequently and I HATE this about myself. I don't want to do this anymore. The crying, the arguing, the ********. The awkward mornings, the silences, irresponsibility.

I am here for the first time, despite that I have been looking into making changes for months. I need to stop drinking for myself. It isn't working and I am desperate.

I am a mental health practitioner, too, and feel like a fraud. I love my work and have exceptional training, but am a mess. I see these things and I KNOW the right choice, but I fail over and over again. One really hard day, and its OVER. I feel hopeless much of the time.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy to be here today.