I've had to and am so happy that I've realised...
...that I love the person my husband CAN be.
NOT the person that he IS.
I think we so often get confused, there. We so often believe that our addict is either to blame, or they're not. It's so much easier when things are black and white, when that's not, ever, how life truly works.
My husband, when we met and were first dating, chose to be in counseling.
He passed his group therapy with flying colors.
He was a poster child for "recovery".
He voluntarily took his Suboxone because he knew that it helped him.
For the most part (even though there were red flags-aren't there always?) he doted on me and any problems we had could be surmounted.
He CAN be a wonderful, loving, responsible, energetic dreamer of a person.
But that's not who he IS.
He has dropped out of treatment.
Last I heard, via Progressive Insurance and the State Troopers, he side-swiped someone at an intersection two days ago, then tried to give the guy an expired insurance card. He reeked of alcohol. Go figure.
He has disappeared from my life and his son's.
He CHOSE to go off his Suboxone, to drink excessively, to behave erratically and shadily and lie about it.
This is the person he IS.
Unless he chooses to participate in his own recovery, which is never, ever, ever in the past tense, this is who he IS.
He is not "addiction".
But he IS an addict.
And only he can decide to be the best he CAN be, instead of letting that addict take over.
It is not my job nor my responsibility nor even possible for me to change that.