So I'll hit the big 100 days sober on Wednesday. Still amazed but grateful. Still having urges every now and then but the moment passes quickly enough. Sometimes they're intense but I'm in control of what I do and the voice can go back to where it came and leave me alone. I remember just wanting a drink so badly and I just would give in without fighting it that much. My son has been picked up by his dad and this would be my time that I would drink the most but keeping an eye on the clock to when I could stop to be as good as I could be for Monday. Bleh. What a horrible life, Some Sunday nights I would drink until 2:00am and then try to get a little sleep, and that's all the sleep I got - a little. Honestly, I wouldn't usually drink that late but it did happen a few times and the results the next morning were never pretty. It was bad enough drinking until 8 or 9.
In one of my previous posts, I wrote about all the positive things that have happened to me since I quit drinking. I left out dry heaving. UGH!! That was my wonderful Monday at work, looking like hell, hoping I didn't smell of alcohol and running to the bathroom because of "stomach" issues, dry heaves and the intense sweating. I would go to the sink and wet a paper towel with the coldest water so I could place it on my forehead for a couple minutes. I know I talk about all this a lot and I'm sorry about that. It's repetitive but I need to remember all that. There's so many other reasons to stay sober but the day after of it all needs to be remembered by me.
I'm still fighting loneliness but a friend who has been known to say stuff like this before wants me to meet someone. She s really the only friend who I text anymore. Sometimes I have thought that it would be nice to have someone in my life. However, I'm still early in recovery and I don't think I'm ready for all that. My focuses right now are being the best mom and staying sober. Also, working on myself every single day. Would be nice to have another friend to talk to but he is on the hunt for a relationship and I don't want to feel pressured. I've been alone for a long time and I can deal with more years of it. I would rather be single forever than the relationship I had before. Would have to make sure I'm strong, and can deal with the ups and downs in a relationship if a possibility occurs. Besides, I'm not going to have just any man in my son's life. That's the main thing. He has to be pretty dang awesome for that.
Guilt for drinking is something that I'm still working on. I don't want it to consume me so I'll continue to work on it. When I start to have my little pity party then I will often go online and look up things to help my son when he starts the first grade. He's very smart, great with his sight words and he loves math and I have been looking up things to keep him learning during the summer and ways to make it fun. I remember some of the most boring teachers growing up and it often made me want to tune out. Abcmouse was fun for him but he has finished most of it. He asks questions a lot and that's good. I remember once being in line with him and the lady behind the counter made a remark about how many questions he was asking about random things. I hadn't noticed that it was a lot as I'm used to it and just answer.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I'm not really sure as to why I wrote all it out but there it is. I didn't sleep all that well last night and so I should get awesome sleep tonight and will be really good for tomorrow.