Why?
Firstly, thanks for having me it is really appreciated.
I used to drink about 8 cans of lager every night and more on weekends. This went on for about 15 years non stop. It never affected my work or home life so i never thought i had a problem, it was just the norm. I never really got drunk like wasted drunk, just "merry".
3 years ago my little boy who was 3 at the time was diagnosed with a very rare c*ncer and for a while our world fell apart but the drinking continued.
I think i drank to make the worry go away without even noticing it was happening.
Then one day about 12 months ago i was in work after a heavy weekend and i came over with a overpowering feeling of dread. The worst feeling i have ever had in my life and all i could think of was something bad was going to happen to my boy.
Don't get me wrong since he had his brain tumor removed he has gone from strength to strength and has amazed everyone.
Anyway i left work and went home and started drinking and the dread disappeared.
This happened a few times over the next few months and i thought i was going to lose my mind.
Christmas arrived and i drank every single day and felt fine.
Until my first day back in work. I couldn't hold no food or drink down and done nothing but throw up all day. I was sweating and had the feeling of dread all day.
I got home and immediately started drinking, throwing up, drinking, throwing up. I never drank in front of the kids by the way just in case anyone has an image of me throwing up in front of them.
I give up trying to hold any alcohol down and went to bed about 9. I'd say by about 11 o'clock i was full on hallucinating audio and visual. I was terrified and didn't have a clue why this was happening. I spent about an hour searching for one of my sons toys until i realized the nursery rhyme i could hear was in my head. I think i had every genre of music in my head that night! If i closed my eyes i could see different faces all trying to tell me something but i didn't know what. If i opened my eyes there were spiders all over the walls, running from under the bed, writing on the ceiling. I even looked at my girl and 2 year old in the bed next to me and they didn't have their faces, they were totally different people but i knew it was them.
So i got up at about 3 in the morning i just couldn't take it any more. Rang the 24 hr emergency crisis team at the hospital and no one answered for about an hour so i rang my amazing Dad and told him to come and get me as i was loosing my mind. This is the bit that kills me most, i actually went back up stairs and kissed my family goodbye. Actually kissed my 2 boys as they slept thinking that would be the last time i ever saw them. I'm getting upset now just typing this. The first time i ever had that feeling of dread all those months ago, my son who was diagnosed was sat next to me watching telly and out of the blue turned and put his arms around me and said "Dad, i need you"
That's all i could think of. My family need me and i'm going to be locked up in some psychiatric hospital.
My Dad picked me up and took me to the hospital. When i was seen to i was assessed and straight away they said you are withdrawing from alcohol!
I couldn't believe it. I didn't know you could hallucinate i thought you just got the shakes and sweats and stuff.
I took a week off work and done a home detox using Librium. I couldn't believe the feeling of not wanting a drink it blew me away. My quality of life is ten times better. I love seeing my boys growing up without the alcohol haze.
Right that's my story sorry if i went on a bit but the main reason i'm here is because i had a drink last night. I hadn't had one for nearly 7 months it didn't bother me one bit but it was me and my partners 22nd anniversary of being together and i thought i'd have a drink to celebrate. Only had a few cans but the feeling of guilt is killing me.