Hello Willow,
Have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous? You are describing what happened between me and my wife ... I was the drinker (40 years). The book explained what was happening in me. And after YEARS of STRUGGLING, I am now FREE from the obsession and craving and 'sneaking' drinks ... the drunkenness was only hidden by me from myself.
Good News ... You MAY be at the point where the Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization will set in motion the events and path that leads to being Happy, Joyous and FREE.
RDBplus3 ... Happy and Joyous and FREE ... and the book led me on the path to get (and stay) FREE