Wherismyunicorn......there are few things that a man fears more than not being able to perform, sexually. Most locker room jokes are formed around this fact.
There are few things that an alcoholic fears than the idea of never being able to drink again---to live completely without alcohol.
It looks like y our husband is living with two of the worst fears a man can have.
I was the medical co-ordinator of an alcoholism program for several years. I had to talk with lots of couples about their sex life.
When I would ask about it with the wife in the room...the alcoholic in question would mumble something about it being "fine". Then, when I spoke with the wife alone.....they would say "Ms. Dandylion---he hasn't been able to get it up forever"
Of course, I referred them to a urologist who I worked closely with on these sexual issues.
Anvil makes a good point that even in complete sobriety---the fear of sexual performance shuts a lot of men down---even when they love their wife.
There are many variables, also...like age and physical health, in general.
Demanding performance usually makes it much worse for men---the anxiety, alone, in this situation makes performance impossible.
As far as getting a man to admit his sexual fears to ANYBODY is harder than gettting blood from a turnip.
For my patients, they would talk to me after they got to like and trust me....and I turned them over to the urologist who was very skilled in dealing with this problem (thank God). LOL.
Personally, as you describe the issue....I think the underlying problem that he is an alcoholic who is not in authentic recovery (yet) makes other expectations unreasonable.
Does he know exactly where you are coming from on this. In o ther words, does HE know what we now know?
dandylion