Reasonable expectations?
I do want to preface this with acknowledging that I realize that "expectations" of any kind are dangerous with an A. However, as a wife I also feel that I should be able to have at least the most burning needs satisfied by my husband - even if he's struggling with knowing he's an A and can't quite find it in him to fix that.
AH has been really making an effort (not successfully, but hey - progress not perfection for now right?) to stop drinking. One of our 2 main issues has become much less a problem as a result. He's no longer constantly either drunk or hungover/withdrawing. He even has days at a time when he doesn't drink at all - sadly, this is a vast improvement. I am "ok" with this for now and have let go of keeping track of him and all those other things that used to make me crazy.
However, the other huge issue the drinking eventually caused was the lack of closeness. He makes all the right statements, hugs me, tells me how much he wants me, how lucky he is, etc. That is until the kids are in bed and we could actually be close on any real level (not just sex either). As soon as the kids are gone, and I try to pick up where we were and cuddle, or god forbid insinuate or attempt to start anything more, he shuts down. Sometimes he just disappears to go to bed, sometimes he tells me he'll be right in to go to bed with me and just never comes in until well after I've fallen asleep. Some mornings I wake to find he's obviously drank, sometimes not. He even jumps straight out of bed without cuddling up like he used to - although he wants me to hug and snuggle him in the kitchen when I get up. WTF???
I don't know if he just isn't capable of being close to me right now, or if this is some sort of manipulation or what - and frankly, it doesn't really matter what the motivation really is right now. I can't handle the constant pull me close/push me away. I need to approach this with him and would like to be able to tell him the minimum I expect from him emotionally to live right now - I really feel like this is a deal-breaker - and if he can't we need to devolve to "roommates" until he can provide it. If things continue, I don't think our marriage will survive this.
Is this an unreasonable request given that he is still actively drinking, even though he is "trying" and going to AA? I just don't feel like it's fair he gets to do this to me and expect me to be ok with it. I'm not ready to leave, but I also can't continue this pattern with him ...
Sorry this is so long! Thanks if you got to the end - and for any ESH you can offer.