Today is Day 1. And I hope my last Day 1.
I drank during the day Monday and posted here about, and then I also drank during the day yesterday. I even bought another bottle on my way home from work.
I drank a lot last night, and ended up feeling sick to my stomach, so I threw out my last glass, which was poures fully to the top. I just knew I couldn't drink anymore or I would get sick. I laid on the bathroom floor hoping the nauseous feeling would pass, thinking to myself, I never used to feel like this when I drank. I'm not sure if the 25 days of sobriety really changed my chemistry. At any rate, the actual buzz felt great, felt good again, like everything was okay and back to normal. The nauseous feeling, however, was not great.
My boyfriend stayed home from work today, fighting off some sort of cold. I am glad he did... I had no work today, and if he hadn't also been home, I have feeling I would have just taken the day drinking to three days in a row. While I was on the toilet having the 'rrhea, I called to him and asked if he would dump the rest of the wine in the fridge. It was half a magnum left. He said sure, but asked why. I didn't tell him the specifics of the day drinking, but I told him I had been drinking wine the last few days and felt like I want to go back to sobriety. He dumped it for me without any judgment or further questions. I am lucky to have him.
I realized drinking that the buzz at a certain point is great, but the actual drinking of the wine does not even feel good anymore. I don't know if this plays into the fact that people tend to go harder and harder with drugs over time, because it becomes more about the affects than the vehicle. Whatever the explanation, I realized that I was literally just drinking to escape, not for the taste or anything else.
So, I am mostly through Day 1 (it's almost 4pm here). I bought a binder and some dividers...I am going to print out what I have typed of my story, including maps and character info and notes and timelines, as well as put in a brand new notebook in the binder, and really work at getting it written. I may try to get started on all that organization tonight.
I am feeling down, but not about the prospect of no more wine. It doesn't feel like my first attempt at sobriety at the start of this month. I have done the initial sobriety, I haven't had to deal with physical detox (but did have a lot of mental detox, if that's a thing), I know what to expect and that I had been able to say no. I know more what to avoid. All in all, this should be a more optimistic recovery... Yet, I am down at knowing what's to come in battling myself. I see my old posts, and it was so incredibly hard, and it took so much strength and discipline. I am down at having to go through it again, and continue that fight even beyond where I left off.
I don't know if it's self-pity, or fear, or both. I want to do this, though.
Sigh. It has been a very strange July.