Hi Mera,
When I decided I had to stop drinking, I did not lay any expectations at my husband's feet. Except, unavoidably, abstinence and recovery work demanded a lot from everyone in my life. It was my decision and he was along for the ride. With every new feeling, emotion, moment of clarity, I had an urge to 'do' something about it. Change something to make it feel better? What I really needed to do was hang in there and ride through the emotions.
What you are seeing and feeling today may very well be different tomorrow. When we are in a relationship, the other has to 'ride it out' and adjust along with us. Even though drinking and cessation were our choices, it has an impact on everyone around us. After 15 months without alcohol I can see clearly how this is asking a lot of another person.
We need to be gentle and patient with those who are adjusting in our lives as well as ourselves. Like others said, today you want more push but tomorrow you may want everyone to get off your back. If you accept this ebb and flow for yourself it may make the variety of emotions you feel towards your BF a bit easier to accept. Oh, the moodiness!
I promise you that I am happy that I did not act out the many impulses of early sobriety. And I am equally happy that my SO stuck all this time out with me. The ups and downs, ebbs and flows did even out, precisely because I was sober and finally able to learn something from myself.
Hang in there. Try not to be afraid of the things that are not yet here. It may feel difficult but the reward for doing so is spectacular.
