I once had a counselor that tried to argue that there are a series of "buckets" in front of me to fill. One of them is the "sobriety" bucket. The other is the "wife and marriage" bucket. That if I put too much energy into the sobriety bucket, I would neglect the wife and marriage bucket.
I completely disagreed with him and still do.
For me, sobriety is a way of life. It is a way of interacting with the world. It is how I even produce the energy to fill even ONE of the buckets.
Without sobriety, I am not the husband I want to be. I am not the brother I want to be. I am not myself.
So, in that sense, sobriety is everything. Put it low on the totem pole and I risk losing everything.
I have spent years losing the battle against the drink. Even though I was in an earlier stage of the disease, it was winning, nonetheless. I was slowly losing myself.
Everything else I have done DID not work. I am on a slippery dangerous slope that even one slip could bring me tumbling down.
As was mentioned by another poster, change in recovery occurs over years. With almost 3 years of sobriety, I still see change within me little by little. Bit by bit. I watch too much tv. I play too many video games. I might even engross myself "too much" into meetings, talking to members, etc.
For me, addiction is simply that, "too much" -- too much of something to get my mind off of the stuff I didn't want to deal with it. Too much to none is a drastic change and extremely challenging to maintain.
At least a year of sobriety may bring some light at the end of the tunnel.
However, that's not in your hands. What IS in your hands is your own recovery. You do have control over that. In Al-Anon, we say that we will find peace/serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not (or in some recovery, more recovery, or lots of recovery).
As for the advice you received to sit down, shut up, and smile....Hmm...maybe get some 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions (especially from someone in other groups). That sounds odd. Honestly, I don't like it. It sounds like something that could risk enabling behavior (being passive and assertive are 2 different things - and no, I don't believe assertiveness stands in the way of sobriety). Boundaries don't necessarily have to be "demands" or "expectations" - just something to help define yourself - to take care of you - which will be mainly about your choices. You would learn about working your own recovery in Al-Anon (have you tried that out? something similar?)