Butterfly....I want to share with you that I feel you are laying your own trap to fall into. Not fully conscious of this, of course. I think that, understandably your attachment to your daughter and your fear of lonliness if she were not with you are powerful forces that underlie this.
Look--every parent know the thought of your child moving from the house for the first time pulls hard on the heart strings and causes some (transient) tears to flow. It does pass...fairly quickly...but, again it is the necessary short-term pain for the long term gain!
I can already see the prediction---she will move with the Dad. She will become unhappy and run to you to "rescue" her. Your heart will fill with warm feelings that come from your visions of the "mended" mother-child relationship. Visions of you and her living in a cozy nest of companionship and co-operation.
And, truly, it might look like it is "working" as first. She will be on good behavior until she gets firmly rooted back into the house, again. She may agreeably sign a list of responsibilities, etc.
But, Butterly, I strongly caution you that the honeymoon will be brief---and your resultant disappointment will be verrrry acute. The same old conflicts and eye-rolling will begin again and the arguments will be more intense, the second time around.
Butterfly, you are probably asking how I can be so sure of this...and how I can be so arrogant.
Over the years, I have watched this scenario play out over and over and over. And I experienced the same thing, myself with one of my children.
Those well written out lists of responsibilities, etc....always turn to molded and forgotten oeices of paper that signify nothing but a failure to recognize the fundamental flaws in the arrangements.
Those flaws, for the most part are these (1) the deep seated fear of losing the love of the child--a strong separation anxiety...a fear of abandonment....
This is a normal feeling for most parents...but, should not be a reason to keep the child hobbled to the parent for a lifetime...
(2) the overly developed sense of entitlement and dependence on the part of the child. You daughter has had you do for her for all her life. To be totally responsibile for herself probably scares the pee out of her...lol. She still has to learn to be self reliant. You will not always be there to care for her for her whole life.
Just laying out the ground rules to her for the second time around will not work. That is, basically, what I am trying to say to you.
Just "inviting" her to live with her Dad cannot be a manioulation to scare her enough for her to return to the nest with a m ore compliant attitude.
LOL! You see this all the time, here, on this forum, between the alcoholic and the frustrated mate. First, things reach the boiling point and she requests him to leave because she can't live like that any more. He moves out. Her anger level decreases an is replaced by lonliness and missing him. He calls and says how miserable he is and how sorry he is for his actions. She caves---allows the return and promises are made....and there is a brief honeymoon. But, the underlying problem is not addressed....and the alcoholism slowly returns the situation back to the boiling point again.
You said, yourself...you do not "want" her to move out.
Butterfly, I am asking you to think hard about this. If you allow her to come back, you will be denying her the opportunity to become truly independent and mature,
You will have to be willing to tolerate the short-term pain (for yourself) in order to accomplish this.
Now, that I have said all this...I will make even further prediction----you will definitely allow her back into the house under the excuse that you believe that she has "learned her lesson" and you will declare that y ou will kick her out if she should backslide.
O.K.
However, you will not be allowed to complain when the situation becomes unbearable, again.
You will have to say...."Dandylion warned me of this and I cannot say that I did not know what to expect. I don't get to be the victim".
I realize that I am the one who seems to be raining on your parade. I am trying to present you with reality....this stuf is never easy for any of us....
dandylion