Hi slowdown and welcome
You are here so that is a good place as any to make a fresh start at your new sober life. I am not sure what you mean by "don't expose me"?? Are there people you are hiding your drinking from, family, employers?
If your drinking is causing you this much anguish there is a high probability that it is not as hidden as you think.
You are not alone on SR. Even though it is a virtual community you will find everyone here is here to support you.
Please keep posting and talking about your roadblocks to sobriety.
(((slowdown))) you can do this!