M- I know this is a very hard time for you. I am so sorry. Its good that you are reaching out for support from us. As so many of us have fought your battles. i know that you might not understand but I believe you are not in control of your life. I believe this is Gods will, as difficult as it is. He has a plan for you and doesn't tell you what it is. I think sometimes he wants us to feel the "pain" so we don't make this mistake again.
Keep reading SR and getting help for you. Be patient, things will turn around!! Hugs my friend!!