Hi Class of July '15 -
Today I started my Outpatient Rehab program. It was obviously a little intimidating, but it took very little time for me to feel relatively comfortable. This program is an evening program that meets from 5:30PM-9PM, and as result it tends to get professionals who are struggling with alcoholism. My group was just four people - all very nice - around my age or a little older. They had all been active in the program for at least 12 weeks, so they were a little further. And here's the thing - for the first time ever I felt like I was worse off than the rest of the group. I have never experienced this. I have been to countless AA meetings where I walked in, looked around, and within minutes said to myself, "Whoaaaa.... these people are way more messed up than I'll ever be. Not for me." Now obviously that's an alcoholic mindset coming in to play where you can constantly tell yourself you're not "like them", but there may have been some truth to it. (I mean, there was a few people just sleeping on the floor next to the cookies). Regardless, I think the combination of me feeling pretty broken/humbled and being around other alcoholics who seemed to have progressed far beyond where I am was new. And scary. Possibly a little encouraging, but mostly scary.
I will say this. I learned something tonight. I'm tired of being a victim to this disease. That may sound like an obvious statement, but there's a real layer of truth behind it that I don't think I would have understood before tonight. Alcohol has gone from an exciting new friend (high school), to very good friend (college), to a best friend (early 20s - mid/late 20s), to a codependent/semi toxic buddy (late 20s - 30), to an abusive and manipulative partner that routinely treats me like sh*t and demands virtually all my time (30 - today). If alcohol were a person I would have absolutely cut them off by now. I'm not saying I deserve the greatest care in the world but I deserve better than this. We all do.
Talk to you all soon -