Guava.......I do hear exactly what you are saying, also. That is exactly why I suggested that Cricket "forget" the literal application of the numbers.
I interpret that popular saying....."Marriage is always 50/50" to ACTUALLY be a way that people struggle to express the concept that a relationship SHOULD be "fair" or "balanced". Soooo, 50-50 (half and half) seems to be a way to express it in numerical form. LOL!---we know that some people just loooove numbers!!
The concept that a relationship is a complex "dance" between two people--each being affected and affecting each other with every movement. LOl---Think Argentine Tango (hot/hot/hot).....is much more to my own thinking.
I believe that "50-50" is just to rigid and simplistic to apply to those complicated dynamics.
I think that asking one's self---"How did I play a role in the relationship?" and "What was it that I could not tolerate or accept in my partner/what ways did my partner harm my growth and ability to thrive?".......I think that this is a much more valuable way to look at one's relationship.
As I said to Cricket----One just HAS to forget what other people think (or say)...in favor on one's own judgement!!! Other people never completely know what went on in a marriage unless they have been living under the bed. And, while some things can become obvious to the general public---like obvious abuse and witnessed actions, etc....... ...there can always be other dynamics that are subtle and very private that are not appreciated by other people.
For various reasons of human nature, I think we have a tendency to want to identify (fly the flags) of who was guilty or who was at fault and who was a victim. This is where I think we can get sucked into a l iving nightmare . Your partner will probably never...never agree with you--at least, not completely. Your in-laws will probably never "take your side"...each neighbor may have a different version of how things went down. the public will probably chew you up---as in current divorce of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert....everyone seems to have their own version of who caused it to happen.....
Dr. Phil likes to say that marriage should be 100-100%. I know what he means...but, I still think that we should leave the numbers out of it.
Sometimes, people will ask me why my marriage to my children's father failed (I divorced him).....that was a "lifetime" ago, as my children are all adults, now and I was married to a wonderful man before he died of cancer. I simple reply that: "I made the mistake of marrying a narcissistic jerk" and leave it to that. Now, I don't believe that I was responsible for 50% of the demise...but, he will tell you that I was 100% responsible..... See...there is just no way we can ever talk in numerical values and get an accurate concensus....
My main point is this: I think we have to do our own thinking and arrive at our own conclusions----and, not just blindly accept the common things that other people may say....
People love to pontificate (don't we)...but, each of us has to make our own judgements and opinions, in the end....
People will talk a l ot of smack....
dandylion
****Dandylion has now left thesoapbox