Thread: Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XII: "Rubik's Moo"
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:36 PM
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Cow
Woe is Moo.
 
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Post Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XII: "Rubik's Moo"
Oh hello Kittens,

Is been long time, so is long post. Could very well be much wiser decision to read magazine or does crosswords puzzle instead of endure more tedious Cow ramblings, but here goes:

So, when last I leave you, I have unsustainable periods of sobriety, but ultimately fall deeper and deeper into very aggressive addiction, depression and anhednoia. I not can even say too much about this agonizing time, cuz is like try to speak Black Speech of Mordor. Is unspeakable. Was like “suicidal” depression, only I not suicidal, so was nowhere to go with it.

I relapse repeatedly. Lot of using. Insane assclown using. Thelma & Louise “let just drive this thing off cliff and be done with it” using. I was crossing every line in sand I say I never cross. Like it nothing. Not even speed bump. I in free fall. I had stop trying to quit. In fact, I just stopped. Period.

I been vanishing slowly for many years. Decades, actually. When is the vanishing become the vanished? When is the dying become the dead. Was it soon? Was it now? I floating through the days so absent and gossamer, surely was only matter of minutes, moments, that will simply be “poof” and I be gone.

But. I malingered.

I very isolated at this point, but was working with good therapist. She flat out tell me she feel is “zero percent chance” I quit without going in-patient. We pick out place that seem right for me. Was 6 week wait list, but we both agreed unless I can plug in, I not gonna get what I need from inpatient.

Next time I see therapist, I in really bad shape. I say, you know what, I not gonna make it 6 weeks. It have to be over now.

And so it was. I knew that moment felt different. I knew it was over. I was out.

But, since this Cow talking, of course was not any kind of fairy tale ending. Was not like climbing up from depths of Hell, clawing through fire and brimstone and finally, finally seeing ray of light as you reach surface. No, I crawl out of the hole, into the moonless black of night. (I pause now for you to weep.)

Yes, is better than Hell of addiction, but is brutally vacant and painful and lonely. And plus also, now I got bonus torment and grief over realization that entire adult life has been a sad vacuous waste.

Is like waking up from 35-year coma …and finding apocalypse happen while I asleep. Is just, nothing there. Not even me. ...Yet.

So is long road ahead. I wish to thank all at SR for you many kindnesses and wisdoms and the tough love and especially those who peak out from behind they walls to offer support over all this many Chapters. I not gonna lie, as a depress anhedonic, sometime you support mean nothing to me. But every once in a while, it mean everything.

Moo Mwah, Cow

PS. For those who wish to know more on my background, is on first post of first Chapter ...and is also ungodly verbose.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-mad-cow.html
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