Hi Patty! My mama is an alcoholic as well... and I live with her. Long story short, she left my real dad when I was 11; he is an abusive wake-up-and-drink-whiskey alcoholic. I don't talk to him anymore and haven't in years. My step dad came in to the picture immediately. Another alcoholic but a really likable person (really), but he died just over 2 years ago from liver cancer (drinking). Now in my mom's grief she has upped her drinking and I can tell she is struggling to regulate it (which tells me she has crossed the line into alcoholism).
Anyway.... she is also a lovely person. Respected, functional, warm with her grandkids (my kids).... except, sometimes that all disappears some nights and she just gets so angry (insert reason that never happened here), and she gets almost verbally-bully-like in her efforts to tell you her very stubborn opinions. When those opinions cross over onto me..... it is always some sort of guilt trip where I am supposed to feel bad for the way I parent or my love life or maybe I'm just not doing enough around the house... most of this is erroneous and she won't even remember it in the morning. That, so far, is as bad as it gets.
So.... boundaries....
I find myself hanging out in my room more often. I find myself taking me and my kids out more often to get away. (She only drinks at night though). I find myself talking about alcoholism to my daughters (age appropriate for 8 & 12 yr old girls). I find myself making plans to go away for a few days with no concern for if she has the day off and wants to spend time with us or not. At times, we do spend quality time together. Recently she took my girls and I up North to a great beach and fun little town. She was having fun. It was open mic night at the restaurant/bar we went to. I didn't drink... and she got wasted. I did get up to sing (I'm a singer), and when it came time to get my girls in bed I left, and left my mom there by herself to continue drinking... she walked back to our hotel which was a quarter mile away... at 1AM, by herself, 58 years old, with over $100 in her purse which she flashed to the whole restaurant at one point.
I put the worry out of my mind and went to sleep. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.... however stupid. It's not my job nor do I have it in my power to make her do anything. I love her. I told her to text or call if she needed me... and that was it.
I think as time goes on things will get worse. I have been working to get financially independent. If things get worse, I will have to create new boundaries. I got up the gutts the other day to actually say something to her about the drinking. I told her that I had to say it... just once... that I was worried for her and that it affects her mood and memory and that that affects me and my girls and it is not okay... but that I realize there is nothing I can do and that I understand her pain and that I love her. She resolved to "cut back" and only drink on her days off...
Three weeks later and that hasn't happened. And I have no expectations for when or if it will (though I'm pretty sure she won't be able to regulate it; she hasn't yet.)
Put the space to protect yourself. It is okay to love the alcoholics in our lives. Love at the distance you need to keep your peace and change it when you need to. At times, loving someone does mean letting them go, and you are the only one who can decide when that might occur...