Mountains to Climb
It has been some time since I posted on this site. I do log on and read and comment from time to time. As of today, I am 565 days sober. Life is great without alcohol, but its still life - ups, down, etc. If you have ready any of my previous posts, you probably know that running has been a big part of my recovery. I love the way my stress melts during a run. I love the feeling I get when I challenge myself, and I succeed
This Saturday, I am running a very difficult trail race that is 31 miles long and climbs and defends a total of 11,000 feet in each direction. It seems that any time I am about to really challenge myself, I start to question my decision and my motivations. I also question my abilities. I think this is normal. For me, however, it comes down to living a life where I constantly challenge myself and in those hard moments of my recovery I know that I won't give in to the pressure to drink. It also comes down to my strength. I now know that I am strong beyond belief. To draw a line in the sand and say "I will no longer drink" is no easy task. The first wee of withdrawals were absolutely mind-bending on every level. I had no choice but to best my adversary when it came to the difficulties of early-stage recovery. What I am doing Saturday is a huge challenge, don't get me wrong, but the stakes are not nearly as high.
I also know that I am not perfect. I could go out Saturday and have a tough day and have to drop out. Probably won't happen, but if it does, I am fine with that. I really am. I know that for me to constantly expand my horizons I have to push my limits and put myself in situations where I may cave and not be able to perform to the level of the given task. That is fine. As I said, I am not perfect.
My self image has changed a lot during my recovery. It seems that when I was drinking I was always seeking perfection. I have accepted the fact that I am not perfect, and I am willing to move forward with my flaws.
Well, thats it. Just a short update!