Subtle but important change?
God morning to you all. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night. The first since I stopped in February. Some of you know I have been drinking maybe 1/2 glasses of wine every few days for a couple of weeks now. Unable to get back out of the pattern...but last night I remember knowing in advance I was going to keep going until the bottle was finished and did. I had more in the house but at least i stopped. It was a harmless binge (except on my body). I just drank in my garden lying flat out looking up at the darkening sky, often crying. Listening to my neighbours in their garden with friends all getting pissed but sounding happy. I wasnt. It all really sucks.
I have just read a couple of other threads and it made me realise that although me drinking again is really bad news...something important is changing in me. I Amy be still drinking on occasion, but I feel I am learning something vital. For years I would drink and do what I hear so many others do - regret it, promise not to drink again only to fail, etc, etc. but it always felt under my control. Always felt like I could just stop - if I wanted to. But I never wanted to and was honest with myself about that. So never tried.
So when i just stopped drinking in February for 70+ days, of course i thought ' i knew i wasnt alcoholic'...knew i just needed to want to stop. But then i couldnt handle the continuous emotional pain i was and am still in - without my tranquilliser.
What has subtely changed or is changing in me is that I am now absolutely sure I am an alcohol and need to just find a way to stop and stay stopped for ever. I feel scared to have realised this. Really scared.
I intend stopping tonight - somehow, attending an AA meeting tomorrow morning (i am going to bite the bullet and attend one nearby)... And maybe an evening meeting too. And take it one day at a time.
I have been watching myself very closely be in relationship with wine over these last few days - lots of things proving to me that I just cannot drink. Too many important realisations to share with you here, but they all point to the simple fact - i sadly am an alcoholic. I need help. Yours and other support from somewhere.