This is going to be a long one so I would grab yourself a tea or juice or mineral water or a Dr Pepper, whatever tipple suits your sober soul, and make yourself comfy.
First off hello to all you wonderful people. I have been catching up on the July club on and off for the past two days. So many of your stories have resonated with me and helped me focus my mind. I have cheered at your ups and I have understood and sometimes shed a tear for your darker moments.
So who am I? I am... sorry WAS yet another of the wine drinkers. Generally one to two bottles though at my worst up to three. Being only 4”11 and about 87lbs this is of course an unsafe amount. A fact I need to remember when just one seems a good idea as just one flips the switch that says another one wont hurt. Not every day of course. Just every day I achieved a lot or every day I screwed something up. Every day I felt productive, every day I felt a failure. Every sunny day, every rainy day. The day I stubbed a toe the day I broke a nail. Every victory and commiseration and moment of boredom. Only those days.
So what's changed. Well everything except that up till now. For ten years the relationship I was in was unstable in many ways. There were good times. There was also abuse. He did have many periods where he had serious issues with drinking, some of which I was pretty sober or rarely drank. Not that I had never had issues I had quit when he needed to for mental health issues and found it oddly easy back then. I remember how I couldn't understand when he'd steal cash out of the rent to get wasted. Felt a punch in the gut every time I found a hidden vodka bottle. Was frustrated every time he said never again and I didn't believe him. Both before and after this period there were bigger issues swept under the rug. It would be easy to suggest the drink as a cause of abuse but it wasn't. It was a symptom, at different times, for both of us of more. The abuse was there on so many sober occasions and was both physical and emotional. The drinking and the way it bought up all my anger about the hidden ignored incidents even made me think I had become abusive. As all would pour out and of course escalate everything.
In this period I had no real day ones. I did have a never ending torrent of Never agains. With each the person I shall call Idiot Drunky became stronger. Idiot Drunky is someone I have never met. All I know is what I have read posted online or messaged or what I have been told. I have never had a clear memory of what it is like to be Idiot Drunky, I just know she scares the hell out of me. She destroys pretty much everything she touches. The never agains became THIS CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN, as Idiot Drunky's behaviour spiralled further and further out of control. She sure seems like some kind of demon that is bent on destruction and so unlike me.
But it did.... In fact it became a drink to forget all the things drink was causing as well as the things it hadn't.
Sometimes your brain makes you feel you would be giving up a constant friend and companion. But then with a friend like that, who can destroy both body and soul, who would ever need enemies?
So back to what has changed. I have left my ex and after a period sleeping on an old camp bed at my brothers have a flat of my own. I didnt really drink much at my brothers. It was a rough time and very low. Felt bad being technically homeless and unemployed and having drunk away a large chunk of life or spent it hidden away scared. Getting my flat and moving my dogs in was such a high......
But then I built up a brand new collection of bottles, a brand new collection of never agains. The first month here has seen drinking escalate along with debt and feeling isolated and stupid. Last week I felt I was on a tightrope in the fog. I knew I had to keep pressing forward as I knew if I fell it would get harder every time to climb back up and the fog would be thicker. I fell.... but I climbed back up and it's not as dark up here as I thought it would be. I think I can see some light this time.
The short version is Hi, this is Day 2 and I talk too much.
Oh and I had an interview today and did not use it as an excuse to get a bottle in.