Originally Posted by
anxiouswife2 
I really like the idea of "she forgave me, but could not recover from what I did."
My exhusband & I never got it back. Granted, there was physical and emotional abuse, and lots of it. But the thought of living a life tied to him literally made my stomach turn after I saw what he was capable of. SO much anxiety in never knowing "who" he actually was...this horrific, mean person when he's out of drugs or is he actually the sweet guy that he is when he's high? I was tired of never knowing what i'd get on any given day. it is exhausting.
so i just removed myself from the equation, let him fall flat on his face. he ended up in rehab & (for now) is about 200 days sober. we have a child & only communicate when needed. he isn't playing a father role at the moment because he's in IOP, working, etc. Not fair to my daughter - but addiction is selfish - recovery is too.
Sometimes the damage is done & you're better off to leave the pieces.
That's the maddening and infuriating part. We had years, many of them, before alcohol took him. He became someone else. Basically dad 2.0. RAH has NEVER liked him but God, during those years, they could have been the same person. RAH doesn't go to AA, but he takes time each day, to meditate, to work out. Spiritually, his beliefs range somewhere along the lines of Buddhism, but he hasn't become a Buddhist.
If something bad happens, he is able to take it in stride instead of falling apart. It's something like what he was before the drinking, but more mature. Measured.
It's all pretty infuriating really. How can almost overnight he goes from a monster to what he is now? He is remorseful for what happened but doesn't dwell on what a horrible person he is. That makes me REALLY angry. If *I* did something like that.......well......I would never do such a thing. I hate to say it, but I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I want to see it on his face, the horror of what's happened. I KNOW that's sooooo messed up but I can't help it.
There have been things that have happened in the past year, that would have sent his spiraling before........but he didn't. The logical part of me sees this progress. The other part of me can't forget that this was the same face that caused all that pain for so many years.
He's a good person. I knew it before, I always knew he could be there again. That's what makes this hard.
I don't think I'm in a place to leave him right now. I'm not in a place to work on this either. I am more sick in the head than he *ever* was and worrying about this relationship is a convenient distraction to what I really need to do which is to say to he'll with anyone else, I have to fix me.
So I guess I should just take my own hint and not worry about it right now. Let the chips fall where they may.