Hi, everyone. Rough day...just not at all feeling good about myself. So many things have triggered my AV to get loose, and I was very, very tempted earlier. Still, all I want at the moment is to jump into my car and hurry to the store to get wine. The store closes in half an hour. I am posting here instead of going to my car...but am finding it not only difficult to ignore the cravings, but also anxious and depressed at the thought of not giving into them, of going through the night without drinks.
I have eaten throughout the day, sipped some Coke, made tea a little while ago even though I am sick of tea at this point... Tried reading, tried watching TV, tried playing my videogame, tried writing... I haven't tried sleeping because I feel depressed in the way that I just don't want it to be tomorrow and have to deal with a whole new day of these feelings; I just want to wallow in the now-familiar funk of
this day rather than restart it all. And to get through that wallowing, to dull it, make it easier, I want to be drinking wine.
I think writing this post is talking me more into than out of.
I hate feeling depressed and anxious and overwhelmed; it just seems like wine would make it so much easier for now.
I know that's not the reality of it if I drink...I would feel worse tomorrow. I feel so bad now, though, that I almost don't care.
Store closes in half an hour. I just have to wait it out thirty minutes...but then I think about how depressed and anxious I will feel when midnight rolls around and wine is 100% off the table. I guess the thought of it being there if I "need" it is more comforting than the thoughts of how much better off I will be all around in the morning if I don't have it.
I don't know what to do. This is probably the hardest battle I've had so far with myself, and that's saying something after the last couple weeks. I make it one more half hour and I will be beginning Day 17.
I feel so defeated. Even if I make it past tonight, if I feel this weak now, how am I going to fight this forever?? I know I shouldn't be thinking past the next minute, even, but...I am too filled with anxiety and self-loathing to not be dreading what's to come.
I am so sick of feeling this way. Depression is exhausting. I am just at a loss tonight.
Sorry for the lack of positivity.
I hope you are all faring better and having good days. And JL, happy birthday.
I'm so glad it was a nice, sober day for you.