Don't throw a rock at me for saying it but I'm not worried for you, I'm worried for him . You are getting well and grieving and hurting. That's what caring people do when hurt.
He will probably go down one of three paths - death, recovery or circling the drain forever. If he ever change mess to terms with what he did to you then literally God help him because the guilt and shame will squash him.
How about cutting yourself a break and be good to yourself? Start by talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend... You would not be hard on her right now.
Nothing like a good narcissist to make you beat yourself up