why is it so hard to accept?
It has been awhile since I have posted; however I am on here every day reading. I am feeling so out of sorts. It has been almost 4 months that I have been out of the house. If you read my previous posts, you will find that I was married and divorced within 6 months. It was one of the worst experiences in my life. I know I made a huge mistake when I married him. I fell in love with the ideal him. At the time, I believed he would stay sober. I also know that his abuse that I endured was abuse from an abuser, not an alcoholic. I know all of these logically. It is still hard for me to accept that he just discarded me and in the way he did it. I ruminate constantly how he said "I don't want you, I am not attracted to you." and immediately got on dating sites. I know that he is drinking and even calls himself a social drinker on his dating profile. I received my final alimony check on Friday, and I never have to deal with him again. It is finally over. But is it? His words still linger and penetrate my heart. He told me many horrible things; and he was someone that would wipe my tears away when I was sad. He was also someone that could leave me at the park to teach me not to tell him how to drive. It was hot and cold, all the time. I am wondering if anyone can tell me why I let the rejects rejection get to me so incredibly bad? Why can't I see that he is truly a sick narcissist and is just messed up and is now actively drinking after 3 years of sobriety. Why can't I see he is a man who kicked his new bride out? I don't want to be a victim and I really don't want to dwell. I want to feel normal again. I go to therapy, Alanon, and working the 12 steps. I just want this to end. He doesn't care, never has shown a bit of remorse, and moved completely on. Why is it so hard for me to?