Thanks.
AlphaOmega -- that's what I think. It's been a very weird process because my family is trying to get me help, and I just keep telling people that I've been an alcoholic on and off for years, so it's related I believe... but they just say that it isn't. I think maybe because in the incident I was afraid I was having DTs, maybe people think they shouldn't frighten me more? I'm not sure. It is the only time in my life that instead of being like "well I have a drinking problem, but it's no big deal" I'm going to professionals saying "I have a drinking problem, it's a BIG DEAL!" and no one listens. So I'm doing my best just staying sober and hoping that will fix it?
INgal - I don't know but hopefully others have thoughts. Either way my family has saved me during this, so my heart goes out to you (and your son, of course). I'm usually a pretty nurturing type of person, so part of the big emotional fall out I'm dealing with is how my selfishness put my mother in probably one of the most frightening experiences of her life. It changes everything about how I think about myself as a person.
Depressed Guy - This was a panic attack. I've had anxiety for most of my life (part of what lead me to alcohol in the first place) but this was different. I've actually had about 4 all total over the last year, but the others were more minor, and I wrote them off as anxiety attacks. In the others, I became intensely frightened and had to have friends help me somewhere indoors. Those times had the same weird disassociative quality to them... principally, sounds getting strange... but they passed pretty quickly and had no real physical side effects other than racing heart. But this one... I did, literally (and I don't misuse that word) think I was dying. I actually yelled at one of the paramedics, as he was putting in the IV line, "If this takes too long and I start getting worse, can you save me? Can you be sure I don't die, even if this doesn't work?" There was also a lot of "help me, don't let me die!" going on. I've never yelled "help me" at a stranger before, much less in front of my mother. I was convulsing. Nothing felt real. It was absolutely nothing like anxiety, as awful as anxiety has been to me. Now I understand why people often think they're having heart attacks when they have a panic attack. I've had a seizure before, as an allergic reaction to a prescribed medication. It felt kind of identical. No matter how many times I repeated to myself that it was mental, that it would go away, that I was in control, etc etc... I couldn't control it at all. It was like falling through a hole in reality.
SarahB60 - Thanks. Good to hear. No matter what people are telling me, I believe that it's caused by alcohol, and I think that by staying sober I can keep it from happening again.
Thomas & ScottfromWI & Soberwolf -- thank you. I know that's the path. Still here, me and my dad's dog are kicking it and watching bad reruns on TV. Drinking seltzer and eating cereal. Crying like crazy, but you know. So far no repeat incidents, thank goodness. Thank goodness for having a safety net. I am too lucky to be this safe, so many people aren't. It is humbling when your life falls apart, and you think you're alone, but then you aren't.