Heart just can't catch up with my head
So I posted a month ago about the very painful break up with my live-in boyfriend of two years. He says he left to set me free, but I know he really left to not have to be accountable and to have an affair with his addiction. We never really fought but clearly in the last 6 months of the relationship things were falling apart. He's a professional athlete that was relapsing throughout our entire relationship and in and out of the program. We have not really spoken or had any communication since the very sudden split, and its like grieving a dead person that haunts my dreams. After finding Alanon I have learned a lot in hindsight and see that we were a very typical user/enabler relationship, but I was also lied to very much about what was really going on with his using. We had such a strong friendship that that turned into falling deeply in love to the most painful experience of my life.
It's been about 2 months and I have been in therapy, started Alanon, and am back in the gym big time. I have travelled, talked and read so much but I'm just still in so much pain. I miss him so much and am so angry at the same time for all of the lies.
I know I have to start putting all of the energy I put into him, into myself but its just so hard. I heard today he started training again for an upcoming fight and it just triggered so many memories and emotions. I was there for him throughout out all of his training and was his biggest cheerleader in his sport, and when he was in recovery. We were best friends and I was a part of his team. I was there to celebrate wins and picked up the pieces during a devastating loss. Hearing this news spun me out and I'm just so sad and can't imagine this pain going away. So much of me wants to speak to him so badly, but I know I can't reach out. I'm so hurt for how much he told me I was the love of his life, how he wanted to marry me, have kids with me and do all the things lovers do and now he hasn't reached out at all, other than once to tell me that he had basically relapsed and couldn't take me through another one with him and thats why he left. That he wants me to heal and I deserve to be happy so he's leaving me alone. While all that may be true, I know its also some martyr, alcoholic BS that makes him feel better.
I'm really just here venting because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, and I would love any input. My heart just can't seem to catch up with my head. I hope this pain goes away....