nyala

Hello Class,

Emme, I was sorry too to hear of your Mom's diagnosis. I'm sending warm thoughts your way. It sounds as if you a resolved to staying sober for everyone affected especially yourself and I admire that.

Yuri. Great news and deserved by the sound of it.

Apologies for my radio silence on my part, but it has been full on again. I'm posting this at 2.30am during another night shift. At last I am close to being on top of my projects - I honestly cant remember when that was last the case.

It's good. I accept that opportunities for meaningful work are limited during the day, so I use the time to engage more with my kids - and let my mind process stuff in the background.

When I was drinking I would battle to work during the day, headphones on, getting irritated by the noise that came from the other rooms in the house. Then I would hit the wine as earlier as possible to take the edge of the day and you can guess the rest.

What I am doing right now is unsustainable, but it suits me for now. I think it is also important for me to demonstrate to myself what can be achieved with a bit of focus and self belief - accompanied by a bunch of hours wrestled back from the bottle. Like you, 1Step, I may be overdoing it a bit, but I'm happy to go with the energy while it's here.

I have also been getting 'out there' - meeting new potential customers and joined a business networking group ( not really my natural comfort zone ) - and guess what - yesterday I made the biggest project sale for 12 months and sold a second job the same afternoon. There are a coupld more prospects who have gone from 'warm' to 'hot' too, so I am hopeful there.

What this means is that recent cash flow issues are behind us ( for a couple of months anyway ). In May we had to sell stuff we owned to put food on the table, whilst waiting for late paying customers to pay. June was similarly scary, with us having to eke out every cent at the end of the month.

But July is sorted and we should have enough in a few days to see us through August too... I cannot express what a relief this is.

Modesty aside, I am actually rather good at what I do, but the last 12 months or so have seen me very defensive and timid. Now I feel like I can really steal a march on my competitors and am enthusiastic about winning more projects in the next few months.

As I have reflected before - nothing has materially changed - except my attitude to my situation


Its 2.45 now and I have to be up again at 5.45 for my weekly meeting - crazily I would have had " one last glass to get get me to sleep " in the bad old days.

And the last of those bad old days were only 33 days ago.

Finally and weirdly I'm finding I can play the piano so much better - a lot more space and time to feel my way around a piece. less thoughts racing through my head as I play.

I'm pretty sure this comes from knowing that this time I have stopped for good.

Fear of failure is turning to acceptance of my choice, leading to hope for a more balanced and peaceful me.

Go well everyone.

Fradley

PS - mebutmuchbetter - Those symptoms sound to me like you could be what we ( pretend ) doctors call ' getting fit'.

Maybe also 'happier' ?