Great to meet you Ray! I'm so glad you want to reclaim your life and get free.
I was doing the same thing at the end of my drinking career. Once it was in my system, I had to keep going until I was good and numb. Not sure why I felt it necessary to do that - it went on for many years. I was afraid too - but I don't know why. Drinking had stopped being fun & entertaining long before I quit. It's a wonderful gift you'll be giving yourself. You can do it Ray.