Wow. Panic attacks.
I had a minor/major relapse this weekend. Minor in time, major in quantity of booze and impact in general.
After I stopped I was shaky, sick, etc... I'd been drinking straight liquor, no mixer, and in large quantities. It was one day, but it was a lot.
I lied to my family. I just lost my job & relationship (job: not from drinking; relationship: a bit of yes a bit of no), and my amazing family kind of swooped in to take care of me. I was so ashamed that I had relapsed in the midst of their care. So I told them I was just nauseous.
But a day and a half into being sober again, when I was feeling pretty normal again actually, I had the most intense experience of my life. Sounds took on this weird dangerous quality... like any sound, the voice of the guy on the radio or the beat of the music. And then I descended into total panic. I was shaking uncontrollably. I thought I was having DTs. I made my mother pull over to let me walk it off, and that worked for a while. But then on the road a bit more, it came back, but this time along with the frightening sounds and the shakes, I was actually convulsing. I thought I was having a seizure. My fingers and toes were curling in.
I made her pull off the highway and call 911, apologizing, apologizing, terrified I was going to die in front of my mother from this stupid thing I'd done. Paramedics came, they were wonderful, they put me in the hospital and monitored everything.
And after all of it it was just a panic attack. They think because I've read about seizures, and I was so afraid of having one, that I kind of... induced one out of my fear. I guess if it was really withdrawal seizures, my heart rate etc would have kept escalating. But once they gave me a mild sedative, it went away. And they ran all my numbers and although I'm not going to run a triathalon anytime soon, I'm generally healthy. So it was all mental.
It outed my lie, I've been doing too much of that lately, so that's good. But it terrified my poor mother more than I can even imagine. And it terrified me. I really thought I was going to die in a parking lot off the highway and destroy my mother for life in the process.
I don't even know what to make of this whole thing. The "don't drink ever again" part is clear. But the rest of it is... kind of overwhelming.