As for my own experience, I'll be totally honest. I lived in fear of my son's dad for many years. But once I was away from him and financially independent, he was unable to touch me. I don't care what he thinks about me or says about me, because I don't need his validation in my life. I'm stable and happy, no matter what he or anyone else says and does.
If someone I know is friendly with him (and it's likely, because we live in a small town), I don't hold back to be nice. I'll say, and have said, that he was a jerk to me and have laid out sometimes how, depending on who the mutual friend is and what the situation is. I'll even say, you're free to like whomever, but I question your judgement. Wink wink, laugh laugh, nudge nudge.
I lived through all that. I get to tell my side too. The reason I no longer feel distressed by any of this is that I went through significant counseling and self-work to figure out how to manage myself instead of trying to manage others.