So tired of all this
Hi everyone. This is my first post (long time lurker.) Gosh, I don't even know where to begin with my story. I've been with my AH for 12 years, married for 6 in August. Alcohol has been a problem our entire relationship...typical pattern of him abusing alcohol and me being codependent. Well, in the fall of 2009, he left his email open and I found evidence of him posting to online review sites (essentially people posting reviews of escorts.) Again, lies and lies...he finally confessed that he had been to a massage place once. Fast forward to January 2013 when everything really blew up. Again, I found evidence of him posting on the board again and this time, he couldn't cover it up. We had a big blow up and he confessed everything and that he was also drinking behind my back. He finally admitted he had a problem and said he was willing to do anything to keep his family together (at the time we had a 2 year old son. Our kids are now 4 and 1.)
Since then, it's been up and down. He's been to a few AA meetings here and there, but has never committed to the program. We did counseling for a bit, but just kind of gave up due to our busy schedules. Even though he stopped drinking for awhile, he was still unbearable to be around (very moody, etc.). He went and saw a psychiatrist a few months back and they put him on zoloft and gave him some gabapentin for anxiety. He has been seeing a therapist for the last few months, which is great, but drank two weekends in a row about a month ago. This weekend, I smelled beer on him and asked him and again, it was the same "this sucks, you accusing me." Well, this morning I go to take the garbage out and low and behold, I find a beer can in the garbage.
I have felt very distant from him for the last couple of months. To a point where some days, I get irritated just being around him. He is always saying how he wants me to be more intimate, but I think I am just filled with so much resentment and anger right now, that I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore. He is a good husband (overall) and father and provides for us. He has always been a functioning alcoholic, where he just can't stop drinking when he starts, so it's never been like he just stays home and doesn't go to work.
I am just very unhappy. I went to an al-anon meeting last night (have been to a few in the past, but never stuck with it.) I am also a lawyer with my own law practice, so I just feel like I am tired of dealing with him and his issues. I'm tired of the numerous nights of sleep I have lost or that I have to wonder what he's doing when he says he's going to "run to the store." I want to concentrate on myself, and that means my children, my business and doing things for me, like eating better and exercising and spending time on my hobbies (photography and scrapbooking). I really think what I need is a break from him, but him moving out is not realistic right now. Is it possible to tell someone that I just need to put my needs first and live a somewhat separate life? I don't need to hear how I'm not affectionate...it's hard to be affectionate with someone who is always lying. And I guess I have so much resentment towards him right now that I don't really feel he deserves anything from me. Sometimes I think it's just too far gone and my only logical option is divorce, but the logistics of that, plus the affect on my kids keeps me here. I feel like my only option now is to tell him he needs to commit to a program and really do it. Obviously, he can't stay sober on his own.
If you read this far, thank you. I guess I am just hear to vent and find some support.