Originally Posted by Ajax

You know, nothing makes a lot of sense these days.

I find myself most mornings, or more than likely, most afternoons, lying in bed
awake but afraid to open my eyes. It's very strange and sad, but I truly am afraid to physically open my eyes, as if keeping them closed will allow me to dream some more and keep the truth at bay.

My life is being mapped out for me for a time when I will be alone, but we don't know when that will be. Or how I will manage to live that life. It's like living with an Acme safe hanging over my head and never knowing when it will fall, but sure that it will at some point and it will hurt like nothing has hurt before.

I go to the store and stop myself from buying a new tablecloth or serving dish because I know it will become another thing that will be packed and brought to "my" new house.

There is no longer a steady flow to life. There's stops and starts.
No getting too comfortable because the next day everything will be different until it changes again.

A constant angst.
Tears forming in a second's notice.
An ache that hurts so badly now that I can't imagine surviving the hurt later.

Alone.