Thank you everyone. I've thought about everything you've said and I really appreciate your honesty.
I am addicted to wanting to be loved and wanted. Initially with this guy I was honest with my true feelings but once he kissed me I think I thought oh this guy wants me and maybe he could feel for me the way he use to and I'd be ok, I even told him this and that I was ready and wanted to be with him after he told me it was best we stayed friends. I became obsessed with trying to get him to show me the attention he did at the start. He told me that he'd love me to stay overnight so he could show me I could trust him and I'm ashamed to say I didn't go and support my son in one of his sporting events that was over night so I could stay with him even though he was working that night I hoped he would take it off, he didn't!! I am ashamed I did this, I put this guy before my son!!
When he distanced himself I did everything I could to try and get him interested again and show me the attention he did at the start, I began telling him why I was behaving the way I was, then apologising and saying I did t want to mess up what could be a good friendship, my emotions are all over the place, anything I could think of to keep him in my life, for him to want me in his life I even said your right I'm not ready for a relationship thinking this would ease things after telling him I wanted to be with him!! I recognise now that I was trying to manipulate and control him and it came across very clearly that I didn't know what I wanted!!
Looking at my behaviours I realise I came across as needy, desperate and obsessive. I understand why he doesn't want to see me and I am so ashamed and to be honest I don't think I could look this guy in the face again!!!!
Your right I need to focus on me and try to understand why I behaved this way, why I twist myself inside out for this guy, I did it with my ex a and I'm still doing it. Why I'm not happy with myself and what will make me healthy!! I thought I was doing so well!!