Berrylife

I'm new to this (today) so I'm sorry if it feels like I'm rambling or not making sense.
I'm 27, I met my boyfriend when I was 10 initially, we didn't start taking till I was about 16 though, then we lost contact till 3 years ago.
I always knew he did drugs when he was younger, I thought speed and ecstasy.
When we started hanging out again I asked him if he still did drugs, as my brother struggles with addiction and I have no control over the fact he is in my life, but with him I did have control, I said if you are, I will walk away.
Obviously he lied and said he wasn't using. The first year I was clueless as to the signs of being with an addict, the not sleeping, rage outbursts, not eating, he hid very well, he's always worked and is still working.
After the first year it all came out because we had a argument. I've loved this guy since before I can remember, I promised to help. We would get help and work thru it together. He was like a broken child when he told me, my heart couldn't have broken more for him if I tried. At this stage we had our own place. We moved into my mums (to save to by our own house) there was many times I thought he was using but he would say no. I wanted to believe him and i didn't want to rock the boat because when we would fight he would somehow always turn it around on my and say he would kill himself if I left.
I busted him using probably about 5 times, the last time
I found him in the garage with it, I said that was it, he had to leave. (Forgot to mention by now I had realised his drug addiction was to meth)
He left and we broke up, but he was never far from me as he would message and call all the time, he had lost about 20 kilos, I would meet up with him most days to give him food and whatever else he needed, never money, I thought I was helping. 4 times I took him to the psych ward as I found him
Cutting himself and trying to hang himself - all while broken up.
The last time he was in hospital I realised I wanted to make this work, he moved in with a sober family who have been fabulous. This was October last year. He used again at Christmas and I knew straight away- I can pick up over text or just by looking at him now if he's used.
I said we woke get thru it. Last week again I knew he had used, I asked him to take a test, he did, he lied even when he failed it, then he admitted it. I said I didn't know what to do this time as I feel broken, I feel like I don't know what to do, I love him, beyond words, but I can't have my life like this anymore. I want a family and a life and I don't want children with an addict, I knew he was a addict, how do I tell my children that.
The next day I knew he had used again and I also found out he had lied about other things, I said we were done. Instantly i felt a relief, free.
But now, 4 days later, I don't know what I feel. I told him I feel trapped. With him I don't trust him, don't believe him and don't love him like I use to. But without him I don't want him to spiral out of control as I know he does with out and would never forgive myself if something did happen to him.
Then I think he does love me, love like I've never known, what if I never get that again? What if I feel free now then 6 months down the track I want to back and wish I had helped move but it's too late and he's gone? As always he promises that world once we've broke up. But what if this is it? I feel like I'm rambling and I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I was trying to make as short as possible.