dunkelheit

Did anyone else find themselves going to the liquor store every single day, instead of just loading up on a week, or so's worth of booze? I was the every day type of person. I think I subconsciously thought every bottle would be my last, but it never was.

It's just, looking back, I'm trying to figure out what I was thinking. At no point did I just buy two, or three bottles, unless there was a civic holiday coming up or something. It was just constant anxiety, like, "Oh crap. The liquor store's going to close in half an hour, have to get there on time." And if the local store was closed, I'd drive halfway across town to the one that was open later.

Anyway, here are some song lyrics I like. They remind me of what my life was like as an addict, just being alone every night with my demons, and having only one escape. And one day I looked in the mirror, and I didn't even recognize myself. I just saw this stranger looking back at me. That's one of the worst feelings.

Over and over
Ruling my mind
A veil for depression
A fix for my eyes
Out of the city
Into the house
Up through my hallway
To force itself
To force itself down

Down in the night
It's taking me
Down in the night
It's keeping me
Down in the night
It's here with me
Down in the night
And I want it all

Older and older
Fooled more than twice
Used up my chances
Ruined my life
Never a reason
No one around
Nothing can stop me
From drinking it
From drinking it down

I don't mean to be depressing, I just think it's useful to get this stuff out. I never went to AA, or anything. I think I was just constantly trying to break out of my crippling depression, because I still had some kind of will to live left buried under the flesh somewhere. Then I woke up 1.5 years later and decided to break the cycle.

I don't know what I'm asking for really. Just something to relate to.