In crisis and feeling pathetic
My long rambly pathetic heartbreak story....
After I broke with my xabf (now in recovery), I was single for a bit and had a rough three years. Then a man pursued me. I was skeptical because of the age difference and other things and told him that repeatedly. He said he wanted to be with me. He swept me off my feet. It was long distance, but we managed to see each other regularly. It was so light-hearted and fun and lovely. I had been so lonely and depressed for so long. Now finally all was looking up - I got a new permanent job (almost impossible in my field) and get to move back to the U.S. (also a bit closer to him). I had this lovely man, summer is here, we were planning a road trip to Florida in August. I was happy for the first time in a long time (I was in a very stressful relationship with the xabf for over six years, then three very very lonely years in a different country). I had my doubts it would last because of the age difference (I am older), but it worked so well. We were great together. I felt fun and funny and charming and beautiful.
Last Thursday we skyped. We had a bit of an argument about politics and I was generally feeling cranky (I had just gotten back from a week abroad to see my family and missed them a lot). He was odd - distracted and distant. I made a joke: "Now we have argued about politics, are we going to make it to our 6-months anniversary?" He said "No." Just like that. Not because of the argument. Two hours into the Skype conversation, with absolutely no indication beforehand, with a loving invitation to Skype because he wanted to see me (as in spend time with me), he told me he met somebody in his area two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. He acted completely normal during that time. I was in absolute shock.
I said that last week he had reminded me of our 6-month-anniversary and when I suggested I visit, he said that could work. He said he wanted me to visit because "he liked me too". WHAT?! He would have let these two relationships run simultaneously for a while if he had gotten away with it longer. I told him that you never ever lead someone on, not for two weeks. That he robbed me of time with my family (I would have stayed longer with them had I known. I could have recovered there). I left the conversation.
He sent me an email two days (!!) later, explaining himself and rationalizing (I know he was waiting for me to contact him first). He tried to protect his image (he is very image-conscious). He wants my absolution. He acts as if he was trying to protect me from pain blablabla. A friend, who knows him, says he is going through what people in their teens and early 20s go through. I was his first real relationship (also his first lover) and he is in his late 20s (he used to be very religious, so his relationships did not go beyond dating and were platonic). She says now he has the confidence to go out there. She has followed our relationship and says he does love me, but he is immature and now going after instant gratification.
She is convinced he will be back, but I need to NOT hope. I need to get over this. He told me when I was at my most vulnerable. I am lonely, I have no support system, I am moving in six weeks, starting a new job in a new town where I don't know anybody. I feel scared and alone. I don't want to tell my family because I don't want them to worry about me (they worry enough as it is). I have one lovely friend here who has been great, but she has her own relationship troubles.
He was not someone I would have been interested in (I have known him for a few years now) superficially, but he wooed me. I saw his flaws, but was fine with them because I was so sure he is a righteous, principled person with integrity. I never doubted his love and was never jealous. So this hit me like a sledge hammer.
I know 6 months is not a long time, but it felt like such a healthy good relationship and we spent a lot of time together. And then he cheats and strings me along and I just don't know how to cope. I have six weeks ahead of me with no structured obligations. I can maybe go away for a week, but don't know where. This feels so trivial compared to what many of you have experienced, but it's like my trust was totally shattered. The following day I managed somehow, but then I just cracked. I spent 36 hours in bed except to take out the dogs. I felt I could never be happy again. I have not eaten in three days. I try to, but I can't.
I think I just need to hear that I can make it through this.