Afraid to hope
I know I am supposed to have a positive attitude and trying to quit drinking I am supposed to have that.
I was thinking I used to be on automatic when I was younger- never, ever being down, not allowing myself the luxury.
I always smiled, I always found a way to get through.
But after a certain point, I was done. A person can only take so much and I am not going to outline my history or failures here again.
But every time I thought I had a handle on things life slapped me in the face again. Over and over til I gave up.
Now I feel I will be punished if I think anything good can happen to me.
I don't believe in god but I do believe something that will punish me for feeling good. It has always happened before.