I wish you luck, March1234. SR doesn't really deal much with moderation since it's false hope for most of us. I have read (but not studied in depth) some research that suggests that problem drinkers can learn to drink in moderation. The issue is that the line between 'problem drinker' that can be 'converted' to social drinker and the drinker who cannot is very blurred. It can be hard to tell without a lot of study. In the meantime the subject is liable to die from alcoholism. To most of us alcohol is a poison who's lethal dose we can't be sure of. If you knew something would kill if you if you took enough of it but didn't know how much was enough, why would you ever ingest that again?
It sounds like your ex-wife (and perhaps you) are in denial. It's possible that she'll be one of the "lucky ones" that can white knuckle a glass of wine at dinner twice a month, desperately wishing it was more and simultaneously wishing she could stop. But I tried that approach over the years and failed every time.
The only people that worry about being able to drink are alcoholics. If it was really no big deal why drink at all? I like scallops a lot, but if for reason I developed a deadly allergy to them I wouldn't risk ever eating one again. I'd be mildly bummed out but that would be the end of the matter. If you caught me sneaking a scallop now and then despite my knowing it could be fatal you'd rightly think I was insane.
But that's the insanity of alcoholism. It works its way into your brain and makes you think there's no life without booze. In reality that's the opposite of reality. Sober life is freedom, not deprivations. So long as that pipe dream of moderation is there most of us can't heal and move on with our lives.
I hope you and your ex-wife's case is the exception. I was in a similar situation with my ex-wife but I was the drunk. Nothing got better until I gave up and quit for good.