The deep pleasure of intoxication isn't mysterious, it's the problem. I realized , after trying for years to have it both ways, that is either one way or another, no real middle ground. When I was drunk I would do whatever, anything, to stay in that place, keep that experience going, even deepen it if I could. Take off all the brakes and not give a flying crap about anything else. Insane , right? I knew on some level what doing that would cost me in mind body spirit , but in that mindset I didn't really care. So I pretty much had two choices indulge as much and when I wanted and screw all else, or realize that was precisely what I was doing and stop altogether, I couldn't be a drunk and have the opportunity to be a better person, a better version of myself, it was one OR the other. We all have choices. Make sure you pick the one you really want. Either way you do have to choose, I hope you choose the way to a better self.