Hi Kallioya... my mom is also an alcoholic. I came to SR because of my xabf, but it helped open my eyes to my immediate family's drinking issues as well. Dealing with my xabf has proven to be easier than dealing with my mother's drinking. It carries a special sort of guilt and anger doesn't it...?
I have no advice; I live with my mom. Her onslaughts are more passive-aggressive, but they are getting worse as time goes on. All I can do is work towards moving out.
I think our work as codependents is more about just letting them be. Saying in a calm voice that 'all in the family need to take responsibility and work on themselves' was great! If only I had the guts to say something like that; I imagine I would get conflict over it just like you did. However, I also know that saying it once is enough because it won't change anything. Her drinking is her business. I am not responsible for it. I cannot change it. I cannot affect it.
I can love her at the distance that keeps me emotionally sane and well....
(((hugs))))