((((((jarp)))))) I'm so sorry, you sound so exhausted. I agree that he's actively drinking, not heading for relapse. No matter how tightly you hold things together, it's bound to leak out the sides because relying on an active addict is uncontrollable. You can't predict how/when/where/why things will trigger off, it compounds your stress always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He sounds more determined to drink than to commit harder to recovery, but you're right about not having to sit around & watch the downward spiral happen.
What are you doing for you in between the new job & home stress? I know that for me, during these crisis periods, I always feel like I have no time/energy for the things that I need the MOST & I stop prioritizing myself... which only adds pressure to my building stress. How can you get your "oxygen mask" on so that you can breathe & think all of this through? Meetings, yoga, meditation, exercise, etc?