Non update - still not doing well I suppose
I don't know if anyone remembers me, I still read here every day, but feel like I have little to contribute.
AH is very up and down. He's had 4 lapses in the last 4 months, after being totally sober since last September, and had had the odd drink here and there. Still half working at it, I suppose. Still not working. His need to drink is escalating.
Last joint session we had (MC with addiction specialist) the counsellor challenged me to get out of the way of his journey. He's probably most likely headed for a relapse, and I've been working hard to prevent that (yes I understand the futility and damage of this).
He chose to lapse last time the night before I started my new job, three days after my mum, my only practical support with the kids, went overseas for a month. Came home drunk out of his skull, told me he was leaving me. Totally sabotaging.
I haven't done that well with this. Tonight he wanted to head (back) to the pub, I cracked it. I know I am supposed to say 'off you go'.
I've made our lives reliant on him again. I've taken on a new job at work that is super demanding of my time, and he's been 'doing' the kids. He's been doing a pretty good job of it 90% of the time. I'm stressed out of my brain with work, and home is a roller coaster. We had a good couple of weeks and here we are again.
I am just stuck. I don't want to sit and watch him relapse, I know I have the right to not do that. I should tell him to leave . A couple of weeks ago (after a lapse) he told me that is what he wants to do, I totally relapsed and begged him not to.
I should just let him go, I know I am doing the wrong thing. I know I am. I am just so stuck. What's wrong with me? I'm tired, tired, tired. It feels like everything in life is so hard. DS has a learning disorder and last week his special ed teacher said he's made virtually no progress the whole year she and I have been working with him. He doesn't even recognise the letters of the alphabet. He's almost 7.
I'm so demoralised. I don't know how to hold our busy, stressful lives together much longer.
Pity party much?