I do the exact same things. Some days I cannot even listen to the radio because I become too sad. My stbxah moved out last May. Our divorce is supposed to be finalized in September. I will go no contact after that. My A was also abusive. You would think that would make it easier for me to say goodbye and walk away. I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to let you know there are a lot of us that go through the same things. You are not alone.